Writing NPE Family History

Transcript:

Host (Heather Haunert):
Hi everyone, and welcome to The Family Treehouse, a podcast series brought to you by Storied, where I chat with people who have a passion for genealogy, storytelling, or both. I’m your host, Heather Haunert.

One of my favorite things about the podcast is finding guests for the show. And even though a lot of our guests are very tied to the genealogy field, I love that they bring such different perspectives—and today’s guest is no exception. I’m super excited. Today, I am chatting with Jenny Hawran.

Jenny’s website Like Herding Cats is phenomenal. Her blog posts are a must-read. She’s a tremendous writer—like, I can’t—your writing—I want to share it with the world everywhere because it is such great writing. And if you are part of the NPE community (and for those of you that don’t know, that’s the “Not Parent Expected” community)—honestly, even if you’re not—her posts are just fantastic. You need to read them.

So welcome, Jenny! I’m so excited to have you on the show today.

Guest (Jenny Hawran):
Thank you so much for inviting me. I’m excited to talk with you today.

Host:
Yeah, I think we’re all gonna learn lots, so I’m super excited to get started.

So Jenny, why don’t you just start by telling us about your background and how you really got started in the field of family history?

Guest:
Yeah! So, I grew up in Connecticut—still live in Connecticut—and I started family history research when I was about 15. So… many, many, many years ago. [laughs] It was actually my dad’s father—my granddad—who got me interested in it. I was just enthralled by the old photos he showed me. But it wasn’t just the photos—he told me stories. That was really powerful to me. So I got the bug, and I’ve been researching all this time.

I work part-time in genealogy, doing mostly Connecticut record retrieval. I do social media for societies and websites. And I have a day job in local media and television, so I get to help people tell their stories. Genealogy and family history have been a huge part of my life.

Host:
I had to chuckle when I was on your website. There’s a spot at the top, kind of like “About You,” and it tells your day job. But I liked—it said something like, “Genealogy nerd at night.” And I’m like, oh, we can all relate, sister. [laughs]

Guest:
Absolutely. I think we all wear a lot of hats, and I happen to wear several—and I love them all.

Host:
For sure! Jenny, why do you think storytelling is such an important part of family history?

Guest:
Our stories really outlive us. They’re defining—about who we are—and they connect us to others in a way that’s so different than just gathering a vital record. That documentation is important to know who your ancestor is—or who you are—but the stories flesh out a person’s character in a way you just can’t get otherwise.

Especially in my situation, as an NPE, it’s really poignant. I had many stories on my dad’s side—my dad is who I call my dad, always—and I had built such strong relationships with those people I was researching. I knew their stories. I loved them. I got my identity from those stories.

And then when you go through a traumatic situation—like in my case—it’s gone in an instant. You feel immediately disconnected from these people you built your whole identity on. Their stories aren’t really your stories anymore. It’s heartbreaking.

Then you have stories from the new side—your “real” DNA side—and people say, “Okay, you’re related to these people now.” And you’re like… “Okay, but I don’t know them.” You’re disconnected in two ways.

That’s why storytelling is the most important part of genealogy for me. It’s how you feel connected—there’s no other way to do it.

Host:
Yes! And don’t you think too, in an NPE situation, the older you are, the more difficult it is? Because your whole life has been built around who you thought your people were. And suddenly, when that’s not true, it’s harder.

And I love a couple of things you said—I’m going to use this quote forever because it was fabulous: “Stories outlive us.” I think that is so true. That’s why I research people who aren’t even my people sometimes. I don’t want their story to die.

Also, when you flesh out stories, you get a sense of someone’s personality—you really know who they are.

Guest:
Exactly! That’s what you’re seeking—to know these ancestors on a real-life level. And stories do that. That’s exactly what they do.

Host:
When records are sparse, how do you go about building a story for your ancestors?

Guest:
That’s a really good question. I’ve had that situation with my new side. You don’t have a lot to go on. You might find some records, but what I’ve done that’s helped is finding where those people were—what community they were in—and building stories around what was happening in that community.

Newspapers are fabulous for this. Local historical societies, town histories, local biographies. You really have to rely on the FAN system—friends and neighbors—to build that connection and flesh out who your person is.

It’s challenging. It’s not as gratifying because you’re not getting their true story—but you have to settle for what you get. It’s frustrating. It’s sad. But it’s what it is.

Host:
And not enough people focus on that FAN system. They hit that brick wall, think they’re stuck, and stop there. But you can find valuable things looking at the people around your ancestor.

Guest:
Yes! It might be a neighbor, or someone who was a witness in a probate case. That’s just the way to do it.

Host:
So this is an important question, especially being an NPE: how do you handle sensitive and challenging stories?

Guest:
This just happened to me. I’m nine years into my discovery, and I think I’ve stumbled upon another NPE situation.

I was trying to connect someone to me, and she was showing up as a second cousin. But her tree didn’t have any of the names I expected. About two weeks ago, it hit me—it’s either her father or grandfather who’s the NPE.

And then I had to sit with it: Do I tell her? Do I not? I don’t have enough evidence yet, and DNA and I don’t get along. [laughs] I’m planning to talk with someone at RootsTech who does know DNA.

So, from my perspective—how would you break that kind of news to someone?

What was also difficult for me was people’s reactions when I discovered my own NPE. They didn’t mean to—but they kind of invalidated what I was feeling. Saying things like, “Your dad is still your dad.” That just… it hurt more. You don’t want people telling you how to feel. You just want them to listen.

In this situation, I’m going to talk with DNA professionals. And if it looks likely, I think I will reach out. She’s about my age, and like we said earlier—it’s harder the older you are. People are often gone by then who could tell you the full story.

I can tell you, for a long time, I wished I had never taken the DNA test. I thought I could’ve lived my life happily in oblivion. But I have children. And if this had come out after I was gone, they wouldn’t have had the stories.

It’s why stories are so important. Again, it comes back to that.

Host:
I think about that too. Before DNA, 100 or 150 years ago, this probably happened all the time—and no one ever knew.

Okay—this is a new question I’ve been asking people, and I love it. If you could meet one of your ancestors in person, who would it be, and what would you ask them?

Guest:
Well, it seems obvious I’d want to meet someone on my new paternal side. I’d want to meet my biological father’s father—my biological grandfather. My mom knew him and told me a few funny stories. I felt like I “got” him. I’d really love to sit down and talk to him.

And on my mom’s side, there’s a character—her father—who had a lot of wonderful quirks. I’d love to just sit and talk with him. I don’t necessarily want to learn deep, dark secrets—I just want to get their vibe. Know them on that level. That’s why I’d choose them.

Host:
Yes! Get their vibe! [laughs] You can dig up secrets, but you can’t always get that personality.

Guest:
Exactly. That’s more important to me.

Host:
Tell us a favorite story that you’ve uncovered.

Guest:
This one’s on my dad’s side. His grandfather—my great-grandfather—was missing from the family. My grandmother grew up without a father. He left when she was around 9 or 10. It was mysterious—he went to New York City to find work and never came back.

They thought he died. Put notices in the paper. A hundred years later, I’m researching—and I find him buried in California. It was 3 a.m., and I said, “This is him!”

Turns out, he ran off with someone and started a new life. My grandmother had passed by then, but there were cousins who kept saying he must have met a terrible end. Nope—he had a different life, had another child, and died in California.

It’s one of my favorite stories because it was such a mystery for so long. And now we can say, “We found you.”

Host:
That’s a good one! I do social for Storied and NewspaperArchive, and I’m always posting about people who went missing back then. So often, that’s exactly what happened—they ran off. It was so easy to disappear.

Guest:
Yes! He actually kept his name but kept changing his birth year. He filled out a Social Security form at the end of his life and used his real parents’ names. Probably just tired by then—like, “Whatever.” [laughs]

Host:
Love it. So last question—what advice do you have for beginners who feel overwhelmed about starting their family history?

Guest:
Don’t overthink it. You don’t need the latest app or tools. If that’s overwhelming, grab a piece of paper and start with yourself.

People often want to jump to their grandparents or great-grandparents. That’s great—but start with your own stories. My daughters told me that’s what they wanted. That’s why I started my blog.

So write. Open a document, or grab a pen. Start simple. Then you can work your way back—maybe add memories of your grandparents. You can learn research later—take classes. But I think people get overwhelmed because they want the stories, but they don’t know how to start.

So just start. Start with yourself.

Host:
And don’t worry about perfection. Grammar, punctuation… just write it!

Jenny, thank you for your expertise and passion. I’m super honored you spent time with me today.

Guest:
Thank you so much. I really appreciate chatting with you and sharing a little bit of my story.

Host:
And I know that could be emotional, so thank you for that.

Guest:
Thank you.

Host:
Until next time, friends—embrace the power of your family’s untold tales and embark on a journey of discovery. Let the ink flow and the words dance as you weave together the threads of your ancestors’ lives. Start writing your family stories today—and let their voices echo through the generations to come at Storied.com.

Have a great day!